


into words

by vennix



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I hurt Jon in fics pt 2 electric boogaloo, I think?, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, for flavor, its call projecting leave me alone, no beta we die like micheal shelley in the distortion, oh and
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25374064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vennix/pseuds/vennix
Summary: “Why don’t you kill them? You know how much easier that’d make it, right? If you just Ceaseless Watcher them all?” Jon thinks it was meant to be a joke. Or maybe it wasn’t. The apocalypse hadn’t been kind to his sense of humor, not that he’d had much of one before.“I… I don’t want to.”
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Kudos: 39





	into words

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for vague self hatred and communication issues

“Why don’t you kill them? You know how much easier that’d make it, right? If you just Ceaseless Watcher them all?” Jon thinks it was meant to be a joke. Or maybe it wasn’t. The apocalypse hadn’t been kind to his sense of humor, not that he’d had much of one before.

“I… I don’t want to.” It’s not the truth, but it’s not a lie. It’s hard to put into words. 

“You don’t want to? Jon, it’s the apocalypse! They’re killing people, literally eating their fear for their own pleasure!” Oh. Maybe it wasn’t a joke, then. Martin seems angry. Angry? Frustrated, maybe. Everything seems muffled. It’s hard to put into words.

“No, that’s not— I want to, they’re hurting people, I don’t— that shouldn’t be happening. It’s hard.” It’s just as jumbled out loud as it is in Jon’s head.

“Hard? They’re monsters! Honest to god monsters and you’re worried about, what, morals?” No. No it’s not— morals are hard in the apocalypse. Obviously. But, they were people right? Are they still people? Can they be saved?

“Martin…”

“Jon, I love you. I have and I will, but this is the end of the  _ world _ . We don’t even Know if it can change! Wouldn’t killing the other avatars be, I don’t know... better? It’s not going to solve anything, I Know that, but they won’t be able to cause more harm, right? More people will be safe?” Martin sounds desperate. Tired. Hopeful, maybe, but Jon can’t tell much about anything at the moment. It’s hard to put into words.

“I… Martin, I don’t know if it’s that simple.”

“So tell me why, Jon. Please.”

“I mean, I can try?”

“We have all the time in the world, love.” The joke almost makes Jon laugh himself to tears. 

Maybe they’d just be tears of frustration and grief.

It’s hard to tell.

“Yeah, I suppose we do.” Jon gathers his thoughts, jumbled as they are. Martin deserves it. “It’s not that I don’t want to kill them, I think. You’re right. I just— would that make me any different?” Martin opens his mouth to tell him  _ no _ , he’s  _ nothing  _ like the other avatars, but Jon carries on. “I know, I know. It’s different for me, I guess. I caused this whole mess, though, didn’t I? I… I  _ chose _ to become the Archivist, didn’t I? I’m not different from them, not really.”

“Jon.” Jon stares silently at his feet. He doesn’t think he can look at Martin right now. “Jon, love, Look at me. Please.” 

He wants to refuse.

He can’t.

He looks at Martin.

It hurts.

It’s freeing.

It’s hard to put into words.

“Jon, you’re not the same. Biologically speaking, maybe? I don’t really Know what that’d look like for avatars. But in your powers, you could not be more different. You  _ don’t  _ want to hurt people, right?” He waits for Jon’s nod before continuing. “Then you’re different. Being good isn’t something you can just do, you Know? It takes effort and stuff, and you’re putting everything you can into being better! Jon, I Know you, and you’re  _ good _ . And besides, I don’t really think this whole mess of a world can be considered your fault.” That draws a tired chuckle out of Jon. He rests his head on Martin’s shoulder, exhaustion from being open setting in.

“... thank you, Martin. I don’t think I say it enough.”

“You’re here, right? That’s good for me.” Jon doesn’t think any amount of Beholding could prepare him for the absolute relief he feels at the words.  


Has that always been a worry for him?  


He thinks so.

Being alone has never been something he enjoyed, no matter what his demeanor would suggest, and Martin being there... well, that just makes everything better than he could hope.

Hell, he sounds like one of those love sick idiots in the books he read as a kid.

He supposed he _was_ one of the love sick idiots now.

It’s hard to put into words, but maybe Martin can help.

He’s always been a poet, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> bro why is martins speech pattern so hard to write down  
> Also I’m gonna post a fic of Jon getting stuck in a tesco tomorrow


End file.
